I have kept much of my truly personal self off this page, for all kinds of reasons. One, blathering on and on about every detail is just so bloggy and trite. Two, innocent bystanders could be injured. Three, my parents read this shit. But what the hell.
I'm having some sort of crisis. Middle age crisis? Existential crisis? Crazy mindblowing new learning material crisis? The coming of my second 20's? Unstable on medication crisis?
La Nina crisis? Who the hell cares?
I am questioning my values, my aliveness, my relationship, my level of engagement with the universe. I hired a therapist. She has a great name and no agenda. I'm scared, uncertain, confused, and some days I am that kind of calm you get when the shit is about to hit the fan. Other days I have that sort of anxiety that makes it impossible to eat anything, and cigarettes seem like a Really Good Idea.
I'm lonely, I can't stand to be with anyone, I want to cling desperately to VBM and I want him to move out of this house. I need an oracle, a magic eight ball, divine intervention, or maybe a rollerskating party.
11 comments:
Yes! A toast to ya.
Yeah, me too. I stop in the middle of walking down the sidewalk and wonder if I'll start walking again. Why should I, when I don't have the slightest idea where I'm going?
I end up back and work and I do my work, and I love my calling as much as you love yours: but I'm simply of the track, like a hanging shower door that's come off its wheels.
I guess I need to get back on the cushion and do some serious meditation. I'm starting to believe every thought that bobs to the surface of my mind.
I'll sit, and I'll think of it as a gift to you. May peace settle on you, slowly, imperceptibly, like dew. May you drink it up through your skin. May the love become as simple as it is.
Wow. Who are you, new commenters? Thank you for the blessings.
We're both new? I just wandered in randomly, paging idly through Portland blogspot blogs. I loved your blog and was feeling similarly at loose ends, so I just made myself at home. I thought your friend q.r.'s blog was cool, too :-)
Yep, both new. Thanks for the reading and the comments!
Thank you -- it really was reassuring to read this. Because, of course, when it's someone else, I can be all serene about it. "Oh, this will pass over, there's so much that's basically right about your life" -- all those perfectly true things, but I can't see the same things about myself when I'm busy winding myself up. So I could reassure myself by proxy :-)
It was a good day in Portland for wandering. I'm glad I made it here. :)
i think you just need you a litter of baby pomeranians.
and some tequila.
cheers!
i'll throw you a rollerskating party.
hang on, missy. i know it is trite to say, but you know that once the storm is over and your storm-tossed little boat hits ground on some crazy place you've never been to before, things won't look so terrible. maybe even a little exciting.
I am with ECL on this one. Chamomile tea and a good book (might I recommend Seabiscuit) can be a good escape for a couple hours. Remember the simple pleasures when things get out of whack.
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