An Open Letter To My Girlfriend's Twenty Three Year Old Brother, Who Has Moved Into Her House

When you asked my girlfriend if you could move up here and stay with her, you indicated that you wanted to start over, and it was imperative that you be able to enjoy the outdoors here in Oregon. You wanted to hike, you said. And you couldn't wait to get a job.
Twenty Three Year Old Brother, your sister is a good and kind woman who wants to help you get a fresh start. But she is not a sugar mamma. Furthermore, you are OBLIGATED to pay rent, which you have failed to do in the SIX WEEKS you have been living in your sister's home. When she agreed to take you on as a roommate, she did not anticipate that you would spend all your time hooking up with young girls on the internet, the access to which is paid for by--you guessed it--your sister. She also could have never guessed beforehand that you would then bring these internet girls into her home and feed them her food and her liquor. There are two things wrong with this, Twenty Three Year Old Brother, and I will now point them out to you.
One) Your sister, who is good and kind and paying for everything, has worked her ass off to have a roof under which to house your slacking self, and she has asked you not to bring strangers there. Um, teenage girls you meet on Myspace are included.
Two) Giving underage random internet girls liquor? Liquor you are stealing from your sister who is paying for everything, including your showers and laundry?
Twenty Three Year Old Brother, having a "pre-funk" party at my girlfriend's home also falls under the NOT. COOL. Category. Know why? There were feces left in my girlfriend's personal bathroom toilet. Please explain. You are making yourself into a giant asshole by failing to pay rent, flouting every single boundary that has been laid down under this arrangement, and also
just by being Twenty Three Years Old.
Yesterday when I dropped off your sister after visiting a lovely, pumpkiny farm, you were still sleeping. It was 4:48pm. It would be good if you got your ass out of bed and started explaining to your sister, who is struggling very much financially, why you are taking advantage of her in this way. Why, for instance, you think it is ok to go back on your word in so many ways, to threaten the security of her home by bringing strangers into it who would take a dump in her personal bathroom which is located inside her bedroom when there are two other bathrooms, easily accessible. Why it is you think it is ok to use her resources to drink and party and have sex with random internet people and sleep all day when she is struggling to pay her bills. Twenty Three Year Old Brother, you are a scourge. Please get your head out and do right by your sister, who is doing you a fat fucking favor and you are behaving like someone on daytime TV.
It is all I can do to restrain myself from coming over there and kicking your ass, and then selling you for thousands of dollars to a rich Thai man, which I would then turn around and split with your sister. We could have a very nice dinner together, maybe some fish.