Tuesday, November 29, 2005

sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell

When I was a kid, I hung around some kids who were Christians. They were a special kind of Christian with a Capital C but I'm not sure if that is relevant to the following: they believed that if you dug a deep enough hole in the ground, the Devil would come out. As if all that fire and brimstone was just right under the ground, waiting to be dug into. On account of this cockeyed notion, when I was with these kids, we never dug holes to my satisfaction.
Now I had a rudimentary idea about who the Devil was, but I wasn't too sure about him because I hadn't been given any firsthand training about the Devil. I did reckon, however, that if the Devil were to come out of a hole in the ground that I had dug, it would not turn out to be a very good day. This whole situation was complicating my life because I was convinced there were dinosaur bones to be had just under the ground all over the place by my house, due to some very firsthand viewings of Land of the Lost. I would on occasion, venture out into my yard to excavate for bones, only to hear in my mind the dissenting voices of the Christians. "Don't do it," they hissed, "The devil will come out!"
One day I just got sick and tired of not finding any dinosaur bones and so I dug down deep. With each jab of my gardening shovel I felt my heart beating. I wondered what the hell I would do if anyone DID materialize out of the hole I was digging. The devil hisself did not, alas, arrive. My hole filled with water. Also: no dinosaur bones. What a rip off.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

No bones - bummer. No devil - whew! I guess it was kind of a wash, huh? Hmmm, maybe that explains why I don't like to get my hands dirty - the devil lives in dirt! Great excuse - I think I'll stick with that one for a while :-)

zetta said...

Now Goldilocks, you KNOW that won't fly!

Anonymous said...

What EV-er.

Anonymous said...

OK, if I were the Devil and those were the rules I'd be PISSED. I'd have to spend every waking hour jumping out of holes that kids dug. I'd probably have to have some tired little speech like "You dug too deep of a hole so I had to come out. Knock it off." delivered in the same pained, drawn out voice that teenagers use to say "OK Mom". I'd probably have some dumbass repeat offenders and then I'd get pissed and make them fill the hole back in with a spoon or rain brimstone down on them or make them write an essay about the history of treacle (since nobody I ask seems to know what the hell it is). Glad those aren’t the rules.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, you're right. I forgot about planting flowers. I still wear gloves though.

Shawn said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Well, I'm a Christian AND sarcastic. All that about getting my hands dirty - kidding people!!!! So lighten up and quit the Christian bashing, please! Can't we all just get along????

Anonymous said...

I never said he would come out of a hole in the ground! He is under the bed...
mh

Shawn said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.